By Louis ‘Barok’ C. Biraogo

In a bizarre turn of events that could only happen in the Philippines, the National Bureau of Investigation (NBI) embarked on a mission that can only be described as celestial, attempting to track down the elusive Apollo Quiboloy, spiritual leader extraordinaire and self-proclaimed “appointed son of god.”

Armed with nothing but their wits and an arrest warrant, NBI agents descended upon Quiboloy’s property in Barangay Tamayong, Calinan district, Davao City, hoping to apprehend the elusive preacher. Reports of vehicles entering and leaving the premises sparked a frenzy of activity, reminiscent of a stakeout from a bad ’80s cop movie.

But alas, their efforts were in vain. Quiboloy, it seems, had vanished into thin air, leaving authorities scratching their heads and wondering if they were dealing with a mere mortal or a deity with a penchant for disappearing acts.

In a comical twist worthy of a Bubble Gang comedy sketch by Michael V., Quiboloy’s lawyer, Kathleen Kaye Laurente, graciously accepted the arrest warrant on behalf of her elusive client, adding a touch of absurdity to an already surreal situation.

Undeterred by their failure to locate Quiboloy, the NBI vowed to continue their quest, forming a joint team with the Criminal Investigation and Detection Group and other agencies in a desperate bid to track down the elusive preacher. One can only imagine the scene as these intrepid investigators scour the countryside, armed with magnifying glasses and an unwavering determination to bring Quiboloy to justice.

But here’s a thought: if the NBI really wants to find Quiboloy, perhaps they should consider searching his room in heaven. After all, if anyone has the power to vanish into thin air, it’s probably the guy who claims to be the “appointed son of god.” Just a suggestion, NBI. You’re welcome.

In the meantime, as Quiboloy continues to evade capture, the NBI assures the public that they will remain vigilant, their eyes peeled for any sign of the elusive preacher. Who knows? Maybe one day they’ll stumble upon him leading a heavenly choir or parting the clouds with a wave of his hand. Until then, the search continues, and the comedy of errors that is Philippine law enforcement marches on.