Fortress Sara: When Bodyguards Outnumber Common Sense

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo

SO, here we are again, baroks, embroiled in yet another episode of “As the Political World Turns.” This week’s drama involves none other than Vice President Sara Duterte, who, it seems, has taken up an impressive new hobby: collecting bodyguards. Yes, you heard it right. Our VP has amassed a security detail so large that it makes Fort Andres Bonifacio look like a cozy bed-and-breakfast.

According to Rep. Florida “Rida” Robes, who appears to be moonlighting as a stand-up comedian, the VP’s reaction to the PNP’s decision to trim her security entourage from a staggering 433 personnel down to a more modest 75 is nothing short of “childish tantrums.” To put this into perspective, baroks, the average number of police officers assigned to entire cities is apparently less than what our dear VP had at her beck and call. But hey, who needs city safety when we can ensure that one individual is protected by what could easily be mistaken for a small country’s army?

Rep. Robes, channeling her inner Shakespeare, notes that “truth is often surrounded by a bodyguard of lies.” In this case, it seems like the bodyguards outnumber the lies—and the truth by a mile. Sara’s insistence on maintaining her security contingent at a number that could fill three Airbus planes suggests she’s planning for more than just attending ribbon-cutting ceremonies and school visits. Perhaps she’s preparing for an alien invasion?

Now, let’s examine the ethical, logical, and historical implications of this situation. Ethically speaking, having a security detail that rivals that of the President of the United States might just be a tad excessive. Logically, unless VP Duterte is moonlighting as an action movie hero, the need for 433 bodyguards is, to put it mildly, overkill. Historically, Vice Presidents in the Philippines have managed to survive with a detail that could fit in a van—imagine that!

But, of course, there are always two sides to every coin. Let’s consider the flipside. Perhaps Sara is simply a very cautious individual. Maybe she has a deep-seated fear of ninja assassins. Or, possibly, she’s an avid supporter of job creation and saw this as an excellent opportunity to boost employment rates among security personnel. After all, every cloud has a silver lining, right?

From a legal standpoint, one might argue that as the daughter of a former president, Sara has certain security needs. However, it seems the “layers and layers of security blanket” she insists upon are more reminiscent of a private army than a protective detail. If volume distinguishes a protective detail from a private army, then Sara’s contingent could give Sparta’s 300 a run for their money.

So, let’s wrap this up, baroks. Enough with the whole ‘serving the people’ nonsense. Clearly, the most pressing issue facing our nation is optimizing the bodyguard-to-politician ratio. Let’s get serious about this. Who needs roads, schools, or healthcare when you can have a personal army? Here are some groundbreaking ideas to propel us into this glorious new era of political pageantry:

Bodyguard Exchange Program: Pair up under-protected mayors with surplus VP security staff. It’s like Airbnb, but for bodyguards.
Security Detail Olympics: A fun way to test the skills of all these bodyguards while simultaneously slimming down the team to a manageable number.
National Guard Daycare: If Sara insists on keeping her army, why not put them to good use? They could babysit other politicians’ kids, doubling as nannies.

So let’s all take a step back, breathe deeply, and perhaps share a laugh at the absurdity of it all. After all, politics is the best comedy show in town—tickets are free, and the popcorn is always fresh.