Cash, Cocaine, and Champagne: The New Standards for Leadership?

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo

Alright, baroks, gather ’round inside our kweba for the latest episode of the Philippines’ most absurd political soap opera, where the scriptwriters have clearly been raiding the backstage minibar. In this week’s episode, Vice President Sara Duterte has come out with a public service announcement that all leaders should avoid the trifecta of political motivation: cash, cocaine, and champagne. Because, you know, what better way to rally the troops than by suggesting your opponents are either swimming in money, snorting the white stuff, or sipping bubbly from their Swarovski-studded flutes?

Now, before we dive headfirst into the deep end of this surreal swimming pool, let’s provide a little background. Sara Duterte, daughter of everyone’s favorite karaoke-loving former President Rodrigo Duterte, has been in a bit of a spat with the current administration, led by her once-pal, now frenemy, President Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos Jr. This all started when Sara got her feathers ruffled for not snagging the Secretary of National Defense gig. But she really turned up the drama when she claimed Davao City (where, surprise surprise, her brother is the mayor) wasn’t getting enough flood control funds from the national budget. It’s like getting upset about not being named prom queen and then accusing the school of ruining your brother’s science fair project out of spite. You can almost hear the theme music building to a dramatic crescendo, right?

So, in a brilliant display of statesmanship, she decided to throw out the words “cash, cocaine, and champagne,” because if you’re going to accuse someone of something, why not make it sound like they’re auditioning for the next season of The Real Housewives of Manila?

Let’s start with why Duterte might be wide of the mark, or as we like to call it, inappropriately hilarious. First, if leaders really were motivated by cocaine, we’d have a whole different set of issues. Imagine Senate hearings where everyone’s pacing around like they’re late for a meeting with their dealer, or press conferences that turn into frantic debates over the best places to get a nose job. And champagne? Really? If politicians were motivated by bubbly, they’d be too busy toasting each other at brunch to even care about something as mundane as a budget. Besides, everyone knows politicians are more into “working lunches,” where the real drink of choice is a gin and tonic in a discreet tumbler.

On the other hand, let’s explore the mind-bendingly bizarre possibility that Duterte is spot-on accurate. If you think about it, maybe the entire country’s budget is decided over a champagne-fueled karaoke session where someone hits that one Whitney Houston high note and suddenly billions of pesos are funneled into building a giant golden statue of Imelda Marcos. And let’s not forget cocaine—it’s the only logical explanation for some of the hair-raisingly bad decisions that have been made over the years. Who needs a clear mind when you can have an over-inflated sense of confidence and no sleep for 72 hours?

But let’s not get too serious here—after all, this is the Philippines, where politics is the only game show in town where everyone loses, but somehow the contestants keep playing. My tipsy assessment? Both sides are absolutely nailing it… if by “nailing it” you mean they’re both completely missing the point in the most entertaining way possible. Duterte’s criticisms are about as subtle as a sledgehammer, but at least they’re entertaining. Meanwhile, the Marcos administration’s approach to public relations makes you wonder if they’ve secretly hired Jo Koy as their chief strategist.

Are you ready for my snarky and chuckle-worthy tips? For Sara, I’d suggest investing in a sarcasm coach—because while her statements are bold, they lack the finesse of a true master. Maybe a few sessions with a seasoned comedian like Michael V. could help her sharpen those barbs. As for the Marcos administration, I recommend they start issuing all their public statements via TikTok. That way, even when they’re making no sense, at least we’ll get a catchy dance routine to go with the confusion.

And with that, we leave our characters as they gear up for the next round of political mudslinging. Tune in next time, when someone inevitably accuses the other of being motivated by “cash, cocaine, or TikTok.” Because let’s be honest—when it comes to Philippine politics, reality will always be stranger than fiction.