NBI’s New Strategy: Search Only the Comfortable Parts of Quiboloy’s Hideouts

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo

IN AN absolutely shocking turn of events that has left the nation reeling, the National Bureau of Investigation (NBI) has heroically failed to find Pastor Apollo Quiboloy at his own compound in Davao City. Yes, the same compound that he owns, controls, and presumably haunts like some sort of benevolent spiritual specter.

For those unfamiliar with Quiboloy, he’s a man who’s no stranger to controversy. From alleged child abuse to human trafficking charges, Quiboloy has amassed a list of accusations longer than the waiting time for an MRT train. And yet, despite the gravity of these charges, the NBI somehow managed to misplace him in a 50,000-square-meter property.

You see, the NBI, in what can only be described as a masterclass in investigative genius, decided to search “less than 50 percent” of the compound. That’s right, they meticulously covered the first 25,000 square meters, leaving the other half—a quaint little space likely containing a few thousand nooks, crannies, and possibly Quiboloy himself—completely untouched. Because, after all, who could possibly expect a fugitive to be hiding in the other half of his home?

But wait, it gets better. NBI Regional Director Arcelito Albao, fresh from his triumph in this epic hide-and-seek game, explained that they hadn’t found Quiboloy yet because it was “too humid.” Yes, apparently, the pursuit of justice in the Philippines is now climate-dependent. If only Quiboloy had been thoughtful enough to install air conditioning for his uninvited guests, we might not be in this mess.

And let’s not forget the groundbreaking revelation that the police know Quiboloy is just “hiding inside the compound,” but are having trouble arresting him because his followers are “shielding” him. This brilliant observation adds a new chapter to the annals of law enforcement strategy: “If the suspect is hiding and protected by loyal followers, simply walk away, preferably while wiping the sweat off your brow.”

In a rare show of unity, the NBI and Quiboloy’s legal team agreed on one thing: the importance of conducting searches in a “peaceful and orderly manner.” Because, as we all know, nothing says “we mean business” like politely knocking on doors and asking, “Excuse me, is there a fugitive hiding in here?”

As a result of this overwhelming success, I’d like to offer some humble recommendations. First, perhaps the NBI should consider equipping their officers with sunscreen and hydration packs, as the Philippine climate is clearly their greatest adversary. Second, the next time they conduct a search, they might want to try searching all of the premises, including those pesky areas not covered by the initial glance. Who knows what they might find? Maybe even Quiboloy himself.

Finally, in the spirit of cooperation, I suggest that Quiboloy’s compound install a lost-and-found box. That way, the NBI can check there first before launching any more exhaustive searches. After all, it’s always possible that Quiboloy is simply waiting to be claimed.

So, as the NBI prepares for their next round of hide-and-seek, we wish them the best of luck. With just a bit more effort—and perhaps a portable fan or two—they might actually find what they’re looking for. Or at least stumble across it while trying to cool down.