VP Sara Duterte’s Owl-Tastic Adventure in Fictional Reality

.by Louis ‘Barok’ C Biraogo — August 26, 2024

IN WHAT might be the most gripping chapter yet in the ongoing saga of political drama, Vice President Sara Duterte has found herself at the center of a literary controversy that’s truly for the birds. It seems that her latest foray into children’s literature, Isang Kaibigan, has ruffled a few feathers—specifically those of Jayson Petras, a professor and the Director of the University of the Philippines’ Sentro ng Wikang Filipino. And what, you ask, has sent this academic into a tizzy? Well, it appears that in the world of Duterte’s imagination, owls not only suffer from insomnia but also take up residence in the least likely of places: on leaves and branches, rather than the cozy tree hollows they’ve preferred for millennia.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the sheer audacity of Petras’ critique. After all, what is the point of fiction if you can’t make a few creative adjustments to the natural order? Isn’t the whole idea of being an author to bend reality to your will? Never mind that in the real world, owls are as nocturnal as the average college student during finals week and as picky about their nesting spots as a millennial searching for the perfect avocado toast. In Duterte’s world, owls are evidently morning creatures who set up shop wherever their feathery little hearts desire—facts be damned!

Petras, clearly a man who’s never met a metaphor he didn’t like, also took issue with Duterte’s choice of words. The term “kagutuman” (hunger or famine), he argues, is too heavy a word for the delicate minds of children. And perhaps he’s right—why burden young readers with the harsh realities of the world when you can sugarcoat everything with simpler terms? After all, kids aren’t ready to learn about the complexities of hunger until they’re at least, what, 35? But in Duterte’s defense, isn’t it possible that she was just trying to give Filipino children a head start on their vocabulary tests? After all, it’s never too early to learn that life is just one “kagutuman” after another.

But wait, there’s more! Petras also flagged a grammatical error in the book, noting that Duterte used the pronoun “sila” instead of “sina” when referring to other bird characters. While this might seem like a minor slip-up to the untrained eye, it’s clearly a catastrophe of Shakespearean proportions in the world of children’s literature. One can only imagine the confusion it’s caused among the book’s young readers—who, no doubt, are now wandering the halls of their elementary schools in a daze, unsure whether to refer to their classmates as “sila” or “sina.”

Of course, all of these critiques pale in comparison to the real scandal at hand: the allegations that Duterte plagiarized her story from the American children’s book Owly Just a Little Blue by Andy Runton. In a move that will surprise precisely no one, Duterte has denied any wrongdoing, insisting that her book was based on her own experience. Because, of course, every Vice President has a tale or two about talking owls that nest in odd places and misplace pronouns.

So what should Duterte do in the face of such scathing (and, let’s face it, hilarious) criticism? Well, here are a few incisive recommendations to help her navigate this literary minefield:

Double Down on the Owl Nonsense: Why stop at making owls diurnal? In your next book, have them start laying eggs on park benches, moonlighting as Uber drivers, and voting in local elections. If you’re going to rewrite the rules of nature, you might as well go all in.
Simplify the Language—Or Don’t: If “kagutuman” is too complex, how about “kabundukan” (mountain) or “kalinangan” (civilization)? Or, you could throw caution to the wind and start introducing kids to words like “existentialism” and “nihilism.” After all, nothing says “children’s literature” like a deep dive into the meaninglessness of existence.
Claim the Error as Intentional: Did you use “sila” instead of “sina”? Well, obviously it’s a deliberate stylistic choice—an avant-garde approach to language that’s simply beyond the comprehension of mere mortals like Petras. Who says children’s books can’t be experimental?
Embrace the Plagiarism Allegations: Why deny it when you can lean into it? Start a new trend by writing “homage” books that are suspiciously similar to popular children’s stories. Next up: Little Red Riding Who? and Harry Plotter and the Sorcerer’s Loan.
Offer Petras a Co-Authorship: If Petras is so concerned about accuracy, why not bring him on board for the next book? Together, you can create the most factually correct and grammatically flawless children’s book in history. Sure, it might be as entertaining as a legal brief, but at least it’ll be error-free.

In the end, it’s clear that the real lesson here isn’t about owls, grammar, or even plagiarism. It’s about the eternal struggle of those in power to maintain control over the narrative—literally. So here’s to you, Vice President Duterte. May your owls continue to defy the laws of nature, your vocabulary choices continue to confound, and your literary career soar to heights previously unimagined—preferably on the back of a magical, tree-branch-nesting owl.