Ear-Responsible: The New Excuse in Philippine Politics

By Louis ‘Barok’ C Biraogo — September 20, 2024

JUST when you thought Royina Garma’s political escapades couldn’t get more predictable, the former police colonel has miraculously developed a neck pain-earache combo—right on time for her Quadcom hearing. It’s almost as if these ailments come with a built-in calendar alert: ‘Inconvenient truth ahead, deploy mysterious malady now.

Garma’s Absence: A Medical Marvel

As a concerned citizen, one can only feel for Garma. Imagine trying to answer hard-hitting questions about extrajudicial killings and shady dealings while battling the cruel agony of a slightly stiff neck and the piercing agony of a mildly achy ear. It’s a well-known fact in the medical community that earaches are the number one cause of courtroom no-shows. Who needs subpoenas when you can whip out the ultimate get-out-of-testifying-free card: the good old “ouch, my neck”?

Her excuse was so legitimate, in fact, that the House committee, led by Representative Joseph Stephen Paduano, promptly swung into action. “We have received a letter,” Paduano announced solemnly, as if Garma had sent in a tear-stained note from her hospital bed. Of course, one might wonder if this letter was signed by her physician, or perhaps her neck itself, now the most powerful force in her life.

The Committee’s Suspicion: A Neck for Trouble

Not everyone was buying Garma’s Oscar-worthy health performance, though. Antipolo Representative Romeo Acop, with the perceptiveness of a man who’s seen his fair share of questionable excuses, suggested she be taken to a government hospital. You know, just to ensure she wasn’t being overwhelmed by the luxury of private healthcare.

“I’m sure the government doctors will know exactly how to handle her ailments,” Acop said with a wink. After all, we’ve all heard of neck and ear pain being contagious. Why let her suffer alone when she could share her misfortune with the public sector?

The committee, still unconvinced of the severity of Garma’s medical calamity, directed its very own House medical team to whisk her away for further observation. Nothing says “urgent care” like a bunch of government employees lumbering over to check if your neck really does hurt that bad.

The Real Reason Behind the Illness: Neck Deep in Questions

Let’s be honest: Garma’s sudden affliction might have less to do with biology and more with the sheer strain of trying to dodge questions. It’s no coincidence that her neck seized up right around the time she was expected to clarify her relationship with the former president, Rodrigo Duterte. You see, it’s tough to turn your head and avoid direct answers when you’re suffering from a stiff neck.

Perhaps the weight of all the secrets Garma has been carrying is finally causing physical discomfort. After all, keeping a low profile while simultaneously dealing with contempt charges and allegations of drug-related phone calls can be, quite literally, a pain in the neck. And who could forget that spicy little tidbit about her possibly telling the Davao Prison chief not to interfere with operations against Chinese inmates? Garma denied it, of course—probably through a muffled groan as her ear throbbed in agony.

A Parade of Pain: Sick Days Are for Everyone

Garma isn’t the first public figure to pull the trusty “I’m sick” card when faced with a date on the hot seat. Who can forget the timeless classic, “I’m under the weather,” played by all-time favorites like infamous government officials, mob bosses, and middle schoolers with a math test? There’s nothing like the power of a well-timed illness to remind everyone of your humanity—and how much you really, really don’t want to be there.

In fact, maybe Garma is onto something revolutionary. Future Quadcom hearings could end up looking more like a triage unit than a legal investigation. Perhaps next week we’ll hear about other witnesses being bedridden by suspiciously-timed toothaches, migraines, or seasonal allergies. “Sorry, I can’t testify—I seem to be allergic to accountability.”

Recommendations for Garma and the Quadcom: A Prescription for Success

First and foremost, Garma might want to invest in a neck brace and earplugs. These will not only provide the relief she so desperately needs but also make her conveniently less responsive at future hearings. “I didn’t hear that question, Representative Acop, my ear’s acting up again!”

The Quadcom, on the other hand, should consider updating their protocol for resource persons. Perhaps install a pop-up medical tent in the hearing room itself, complete with an IV drip and a full-body cast for anyone who feels a cough coming on when the questioning gets tough. After all, if a little ear pain can derail an entire investigation, who knows what havoc a paper cut could wreak?

Finally, the House should take some inspiration from daytime television and launch a new series: “Excuses of the Elite.” It’ll feature all the best reasons public officials have used to get out of hearings, from the common cold to “I left my alibi in my other pants.”

So, if nothing else, Royina Garma has given us a valuable lesson in survival: when the political heat turns up, sometimes it’s not your reputation on the line, but your ability to craft the perfect excuse. Neck pain, after all, is just another tool in the toolkit of the politically savvy.