Ship Happens: The Philippines Sends a Boat, China Sends 82

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — September 25, 2024

BREAKING NEWS: the Philippine Navy has deployed a ship to Escoda Shoal under the groundbreaking assumption that China, a country known for its subtle diplomacy, will just let it slide this time. Rear Admiral Roy Vincent Trinidad confidently assures the nation that nothing could go wrong—because it’s not like China has ever used military force to prove a point. No sir, the Philippines has a secret weapon: optimism. Forget naval superiority or international backing. Who needs those when you’ve got blind faith?

Rear Admiral Trinidad’s poker face could win him a spot in Vegas: “I don’t see any reason why they would block us.” This would be like walking into a lion’s den with a spray bottle of water and insisting that there’s no reason the lion would attack you—after all, you’re both mammals, and that counts for something. Right? Meanwhile, China is watching this spectacle unfold, probably sipping tea and enjoying the view from one of their 11 warships as they mull over the definition of “reason.”

China’s Strategic “No Entry” Sign:

China’s claim to the Escoda Shoal, or as they prefer to call it, our piece of the ocean, thank you very much, is part of their South China Sea game of “Finders Keepers.” Having already mastered the art of turning coral reefs into artificial islands and protesting anything with a Philippine flag on it, they now find themselves in a delicate diplomatic position. Do they block the plucky little ship sent to replace the BRP Teresa Magbanua? Of course they do.

China’s perspective is as clear as its 9-dash line: if it’s anywhere near us, it’s ours. Historical precedent? Check. A 14th-century map they found in their attic? Check. Rewriting international maritime law in favor of big, powerful countries? Double check. And let’s not forget the arbitration ruling from 2016 that said China has no legal claim over these waters. Naturally, China did what any reasonable party would do when presented with overwhelming evidence against them: they ignored it.

The Philippines’ Naïveté:

Oh, dear Philippines, your belief that “the weather” will be your greatest obstacle in defending your sovereign rights over Escoda Shoal is nothing short of adorable. Did anyone explain to the Coast Guard that the 82 Chinese vessels in the area aren’t there to form a welcoming committee? The Philippines appears to be stuck in some diplomatic Groundhog Day, where every mission to assert territorial claims starts optimistically and ends with Chinese water cannons, floating barriers, or yet another complaint to the International Community’s Suggestion Box.

The Philippines’ steadfast commitment to sending aging ships, like the BRP Teresa Magbanua, to contested waters reflects a touching belief in the power of nostalgia. After all, why waste cutting-edge vessels when you can send out something slightly more seaworthy than a coconut raft? Of course, the ship was eventually pulled out due to a trifecta of bad weather, lack of supplies, and questionable seaworthiness—though surely, in Manila, someone uttered, “We didn’t think this through, did we?”

Satiric Tips:

For the Philippines:
Step one: Invest in a weather app. If the success of your naval missions hinges on bad weather, you might want to upgrade beyond checking if the sky looks gloomy. Step two: Perhaps next time, deploy a ship that isn’t 30 seconds away from capsizing when faced with a mild breeze. And remember, China isn’t really worried about storms—they’re more interested in ensuring that your ships stay in dock forever. Lastly, reconsider sending naval officers with an “everything’s going to be fine” attitude. It might be good for morale but does little for territorial disputes.

For China:
Perhaps it’s time to stop pretending that you’re the underdog here. You’ve got 82 ships in the area and an entire PR department dedicated to spinning shoal-blocking as “routine exercises.” And while you’re at it, how about considering something radical, like respecting international law? Sure, ignoring it has worked well so far, but think of the goodwill you’d generate if you didn’t water-cannon your neighbors’ boats every other week.

For the International Community:
Your role in this saga is like that of a well-meaning but overwhelmed kindergarten teacher. Everyone’s squabbling over the same sandbox, and no matter how many times you say, “play nice,” someone always ends up throwing sand in someone else’s eyes. At this point, you might as well start selling popcorn because this territorial tiff doesn’t seem to be wrapping up anytime soon. Perhaps a joint Netflix documentary series on “Shoals We Have Known” could be a lucrative sideline.

In conclusion, the ongoing soap opera at Escoda Shoal is a delightful mix of misplaced optimism, aggressive posturing, and a whole lot of wishful thinking. The Philippines might want to revisit its strategy—or at least send ships that can withstand a light drizzle. China, meanwhile, will likely continue its hobby of shoal-collecting. And the rest of us? We’ll just keep watching, shaking our heads, and wondering how it all came to this.