Sara’s Lie Detector Test: Coming Soon to a Telenovela Near You

By: Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — September 27, 2024

WELCOME to the untamed jungle of Filipino politics, where the only thing thicker than the scandals is the air of self-importance. Today’s spectacle: the Lie Detector Test Challenge, a circus so wild that even telenovelas are taking notes. Forget the courtroom; this saga is all about press conferences, empty challenges, and accusations flying faster than a polygraph machine can blink.

Let’s set the stage: The indomitable Vice President Sara Duterte is accused of, brace yourselves, handing out P50,000 in cold, hard cash—wrapped in neat little envelopes, no less—allegedly to a former Education Undersecretary Gloria Mercado. What is this alleged hush money for? Well, Mercado seems to think it’s related to the procurement program in the DepEd (because, why settle for ordinary government scandals when you can have procurement drama?).

Now, Duterte has vigorously denied these claims, labeling Mercado as a “disgruntled” ex-employee who apparently can’t find peace even in retirement. Duterte’s defense rests on the fact that Mercado was dismissed after allegedly soliciting P16 million using Duterte’s name. Ah, the classic “you’re corrupt, no YOU’RE corrupt” defense—the gold standard in political deflection.

Enter Rep. Jefferson Khonghun, who, in what could only be described as a stroke of genius or perhaps an affinity for American daytime TV, decides that the only solution to this tangled web of accusations is the lie detector test. Yes, folks, he wants Duterte and Mercado to strap themselves to a machine made famous by Maury Povich and Jerry Springer. Because nothing screams truth like your heart rate and palm sweat!

The Lie Detector Test: Truth, Lies, and Laughter

For Duterte to Take It:
On one hand, Khonghun argues, if Duterte is telling the truth and has nothing to hide, what’s a little lie detector test between frenemies? Sure, they’re scientifically inadmissible in court, dubious in accuracy, and easy to manipulate, but we’re not aiming for the Supreme Court here—just a showdown in the public arena. Forget the Constitution or the Philippine Ethical Standards for Public Officials, we want entertainment.

Moreover, by refusing to take the oath during the House hearing, Duterte has already sent a subtle message: Oaths are for witnesses, not “resource persons.” (As if calling yourself a “resource person” means you’re exempt from telling the truth! Note to self: next time I’m called to court, I’ll just call myself an advice columnist.)

But why stop at a lie detector test? Duterte could take it a step further—why not a dance-off to prove her innocence? Perhaps a karaoke competition? I hear “My Way” can reveal a lot about a person’s soul.

Against Duterte Taking It:
Now, for the opposition. Let’s not kid ourselves, the Philippines has a history of handling public controversies with all the legal decorum of a schoolyard argument. Why should Duterte, the sitting Vice President, lower herself to the level of an unreliable machine that’s barely admissible as evidence anywhere more formal than a reality TV show? Lie detector tests, after all, have less probative value than a fortune teller at Quiapo Market.

And let’s not forget, this is the same country whose Supreme Court ruled in People v. Sasota that polygraph results are inadmissible as evidence. Even the most ethically questionable of officials can hide behind that lofty precedent. Duterte has the legal high ground—why on earth would she throw herself into the polygraph’s sweaty clutches?

For Mercado Taking It:
Ah, Mercado. The whistleblower. The “hoarder of envelopes.” Khonghun would no doubt love to see her tethered to that polygraph too. After all, she testified under oath—and surely, an oath is only as good as the test you take after it. A polygraph for Mercado could be her chance to clear her name, vindicate her donation of P450,000 to charity, and silence Duterte’s counter-allegations once and for all. Imagine the headlines: Mercado Passes Lie Detector Test, Vice President Left Sweating. What a coup for honesty!

Against Mercado Taking It:
On the other hand, if Mercado passed the lie detector test, would that really clear things up? Or would it just lead to Duterte’s camp demanding another test, this time in a different location, perhaps during a lunar eclipse to ensure cosmic neutrality? Plus, there’s the small detail that if Mercado fails the test, her reputation goes up in smoke faster than the presidential jet flying to Davao. The risks of subjecting herself to a machine notorious for false positives may outweigh the reward.

For Khonghun Taking It:
And now, to the man of the hour, Representative Khonghun. For someone so eager to push others into taking a lie detector test, shouldn’t he be first in line? What better way to show his sincerity and genuine belief in the powers of the polygraph than by taking the plunge himself? Is his sudden advocacy for this test motivated by public service, or perhaps a hidden agenda of manufacturing political theater?

Against Khonghun Taking It:
But then again, Khonghun might argue that as the man who issued the challenge, he’s exempt from participating. After all, judges don’t play football with the teams—they just call the fouls. Let the court of public opinion do the heavy lifting here. Khonghun is merely stirring the pot, and what’s a little chaos between public servants?

The Real Winner? None of the Above

In this saga of alleged bribes, finger-pointing, and increasingly desperate attempts at transparency, the real losers are, unsurprisingly, the Filipino people. While lawmakers debate the merits of a polygraph face-off, Filipinos are left watching yet another episode of “who can out-deny the other” in the great political soap opera that is Philippine governance.

Satiric Solutions: How to Make Everyone Happy (Except the Filipinos)

For Duterte: Embrace the lie detector challenge, but on one condition: it should be televised, with commercial sponsors and an audience text vote for “Most Honest Politician.” Proceeds go to public school
For Mercado: Continue collecting those envelopes, but this time, make a scrapbook. The public loves memorabilia, and nothing says “whistleblower” like a well-organized collection of corruption-themed scrapbooks.
For Khonghun: Since the lie detector test is such a beloved concept, why not push for it to be required for all future political debates? It’ll be the ultimate reality show, where truth and nonsense go head-to-head on prime time.
For the Filipino People: Invest in polygraphs at home! If our leaders trust them so much, maybe you should too. Test your friends, your relatives—heck, test your pets for loyalty while you’re at it.

Who needs honesty when you’ve got satire – the only thing keeping reality from being too depressingly accurate.