Erwin Tulfo: Dynasties Are Bad (Unless They’re Mine)

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — October 7, 2924

IN A twist so dizzying it could give a merry-go-round a run for its money, Erwin Tulfo—yes, the same Erwin Tulfo whose family has practically established a small republic inside the Philippine government—has suddenly become the nation’s champion against political dynasties. His revolutionary plan? Ban them! But don’t worry, only the ones that don’t have ‘Tulfo’ in their name. Because who better to safeguard democracy than someone whose family album could double as a Senate seating chart?

Let’s take a closer look at the Tulfo brand, which, much like fast food, promises quick fixes and satisfaction but leaves behind an uncomfortable sense of regret. Raffy Tulfo is already a sitting senator, Erwin’s brother Ben has just filed his candidacy, and, just to keep things balanced, Erwin’s wife Jocelyn, his sister Wanda, and his son Ralph have also thrown their hats into the political ring. With this family lineup, it’s hard not to wonder if the Tulfos are trying to achieve a Guinness World Record for the most elected officials with the same last name.

Tulfo Against Dynasties: The Plot Twist No One Saw Coming

Now, when asked if his support for anti-dynasty laws was a tad hypocritical, Erwin Tulfo responded with the kind of straight-faced conviction typically reserved for actors at award shows. He assured the nation that, until such a law exists, it’s up to voters to decide whether or not they want to keep electing every Tulfo that walks by a Comelec office. And really, who are we to question the wisdom of the people? If they decide they want Raffy, Erwin, Ben, and a few dozen more Tulfos running the country, we should just sit back and let democracy unfold — one family reunion at a time.

Tulfo’s argument is simple: until there’s a law, it’s all fair game. It’s like speeding down a road without speed limits and then saying, “Well, there was no sign!” Only here, the road is lined with Tulfos, and they’re all waving certificates of candidacy.

The Case For Tulfo’s Candidacy: Experience, Charisma, and … Good Looks?

Supporters argue that Erwin Tulfo’s candidacy is exactly what the country needs: someone with his impeccable track record in public service, and, of course, an irresistible last name. After all, why shouldn’t he run? He’s got charisma, popularity, and, let’s not forget, a brother in the Senate! If that doesn’t scream “qualified,” what does?

Besides, who among us hasn’t run for office because our entire family was already doing it? If anything, the Tulfo dynasty should be commended for their dedication to public service. It’s not just a family affair — it’s a family business. And let’s be real, in a country where the constitution vaguely frowns upon political dynasties but never bothers to pass a law, the Tulfos are simply playing the game by the rules.

The Constitution: Just a Suggestion, Right?

Of course, there’s this minor inconvenience called the Philippine Constitution, which explicitly prohibits political dynasties under Article 2, Section 26. The problem? That little clause needs an actual law to give it teeth. Since 2011, countless bills have been introduced to curb the rise of political families, all of which were conveniently ignored by — you guessed it — politicians from political dynasties.

Still, let’s not pretend that passing an anti-dynasty law would stop the Tulfos. They’ve practically trademarked their last name. If the law finally came into play, they’d likely just rebrand themselves under some clever pseudonym like the “Tulfo Foundation for Public Office” or “Friends of Raffy, Erwin, and Whoever’s Next.”

Erwin Tulfo’s Likelihood of Winning: A Sure Thing?

Now, let’s be honest: the odds are in Erwin Tulfo’s favor. His last name alone is worth more than any campaign slogan, and his family’s media empire ensures that even if you don’t want to know about him, you will. It’s only a matter of time before every news broadcast turns into a Tulfo family Christmas letter: “Raffy’s doing great in the Senate, Ben is running for office, Erwin is thinking of adding a wing to the Senate for all the relatives, and Ralph just won class president!”

Satiric Tips: More Tulfos for Everyone!

Here’s my modest proposal for the future of the Tulfo dynasty:

Erwin Tulfo should continue his run for the Senate, but with a twist: he should publicly denounce political dynasties at every campaign rally — while flanked by his entire family.
The Tulfo family could start their own political party, “Tulfo United.” This would at least save voters time by consolidating all the Tulfos into one bloc on the ballot.
Political adversaries should consider changing their names to Tulfo if they want a fighting chance. Who needs campaign platforms when you can just ride the Tulfo wave?
The Filipino people should be encouraged to submit their résumés to the Tulfo family for consideration in public office. Let’s face it, pretty soon, the government might need a few more citizens in public service to keep up with the Tulfos.

So, there you have it: the unstoppable rise of the Tulfo dynasty, proving that not even anti-dynasty laws can contain a political family with more branches than a centuries-old banyan tree. Because, let’s face it, why limit yourself to one Tulfo when you could just run the country like a family business?