Dela Rosa to Investigate Himself, Promises Thorough Search for Someone Else to Blame

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — October 17, 2024

IN WHAT can only be described as a triumph of impartiality, Senator Ronald “Bato” dela Rosa—Duterte’s loyal foot soldier and defender—has bravely decided that the Senate Committee on Public Order and Dangerous Drugs, which he chairs, will launch an investigation into the Duterte drug war. This is like appointing the wolf to assess whether the henhouse is up to safety standards. What could possibly go wrong?

Dela Rosa, the former chief architect of the drug war, has reassured the public that his investigation will be thorough, objective, and entirely independent. “Yes, I designed the whole campaign, but rest assured, I’ll be as impartial as an arsonist investigating a fire.” This self-styled inquiry is set to begin before November 4—right after Undas (All Souls’ Day) because, as Bato helpfully explained, the Senate will soon be too busy approving the national budget, presumably to buy more blue ribbons for future hearings.

Bato’s Big Day Out: Objectivity Guaranteed

Dela Rosa’s involvement has drawn criticism from those picky citizens who seem obsessed with conflict of interest. They argue that having the chief enforcer of the drug war investigate himself feels a bit like having a fox lead a probe into missing hens. But Bato remains unfazed. After all, who better to investigate Duterte’s alleged extrajudicial killings than the man who knows every shortcut, blind spot, and back door in the whole operation?

“I’ll invite President Duterte himself to testify,” Bato promised, adding that the former president would be more comfortable in the Senate than the House of Representatives. Of course, why wouldn’t Duterte feel cozy among old friends? It’s like asking a burglar to drop by his favorite locksmith shop—it’s just good vibes all around.

A Probe or a Reelection Campaign?

Cynics—those perpetual party poopers—have suggested that this investigation might serve as a convenient PR stunt for Dela Rosa’s 2025 reelection campaign. “Absolute nonsense!” his supporters say, pointing out that the senator is merely exercising his civic duty. After all, nothing screams good governance like a probe into one’s own potentially criminal activities just as ballots are being printed.

Dela Rosa’s motives seem as transparent as a windshield smeared with mud. What better way to rehabilitate one’s public image than by “discovering” that any and all wrongdoing during the drug war was purely accidental? Or better yet, uncovering that no wrong was ever done at all—just a lot of overachieving police officers with a knack for efficiency.

Senate vs. House: Tug-of-War for Credibility

This Senate inquiry coincides with a similar probe in the House of Representatives. But Bato’s team is determined to get to the bottom of things before the House does, if only to ensure they have first dibs on whitewashing any embarrassing details. “It’s not a race,” one anonymous lawmaker clarified, “but if it were, we’d totally win.”

Rumor has it that the Senate is aiming for closure rather than accountability. This strategy not only spares key allies but also ensures everyone gets to keep their Christmas bonuses. And who could argue with that? As Dela Rosa himself has always said, justice delayed is justice denied—unless it’s inconvenient, in which case let’s pencil it in for later.

A Noble Senate in Decline: From Statesmen to Sidekicks

For many Filipinos, this investigation encapsulates everything wrong with the Senate today. Once home to titans of democracy, it now seems overrun by loyal henchmen, movie celebrities, and members of entrenched political dynasties, more skilled at toeing the party line than crafting meaningful laws. In fact, the current crop of senators resembles a reunion tour of Duterte’s favorite buddies, with a few showbiz stars and plenty of well-connected family members thrown in for good measure. If anyone finds themselves longing for a Senate full of principled lawmakers, well, maybe it’s time to start praying harder during Undas.

Impact and Repercussions: Something or Nothing?

This Senate probe has the potential to change everything—or nothing. On one hand, it could unearth bombshell revelations, forcing the nation to confront the uncomfortable truth about the drug war’s human cost. On the other hand, it could also just serve as a highly publicized seminar in political theater, with the main takeaway being: “Mistakes were made, but let’s not dwell on them, okay?”

Duterte’s loyal base isn’t likely to be swayed by anything as trivial as evidence, and those who already oppose him don’t need convincing. In the end, the probe might achieve a rare feat—uniting Filipinos in collective cynicism.

International observers, meanwhile, will be watching closely to see if the Philippines can manage to investigate itself without accidentally issuing participation trophies to everyone involved. Expectations remain low, and not without reason.

Recommendations: Play the Long Game, Baroks

For Senator Dela Rosa: Keep smiling and stick to the script. Whatever happens, make sure the report has enough loopholes to double as a fishnet. And remember—if the investigation gets too real, just blame the budget hearings for cutting things short.

For the Senate: Consider installing revolving doors. With loyalty shifting faster than a Manila jeepney, you’ll want your allies to come and go with ease. Also, maybe invest in an in-house ethics course—purely decorative, of course.

For the House of Representatives: Feel free to take notes from Bato’s playbook—just don’t steal the spotlight, or you might find yourself investigating the wrong end of a memo.

For Filipinos: Stock up on popcorn. This Senate investigation is shaping up to be part comedy, part tragedy—perfect for binge-watching between soap operas. And when it’s all over, remember: elections are just around the corner. Your vote might be your only chance to inject some statesmanship back into the circus.

Conclusion: Who Needs Objectivity When You Have Old Friends?

In the end, the Senate probe into Duterte’s drug war promises to be many things—entertaining, controversial, and possibly therapeutic for its participants. But impartial? Unlikely. Fair? A bit of a stretch. Necessary? Well, it’s the thought that counts, right?

And so, as the Philippines hurtles toward the 2025 elections, Bato’s investigation might just remind us all of an age-old truth: When accountability knocks, loyalty answers first.