VP Sara Duterte Bravely Joins House Probe, Declares “I’m Not Just Here for the Snacks”

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C Biraogo — November 25, 2024

IN AN unprecedented act of bravery—or perhaps a dramatic performance for the ages—Vice President Sara Duterte descended upon the House probe like a seasoned actress making her triumphant comeback. Flanked by her loyal entourage of embattled staff, Duterte seemed to say without uttering a word: ‘If the music’s playing, I might as well conduct the orchestra—confidential funds and all.

The Bold Leader: A Profile in Courage

Duterte explained her attendance with a level of solemnity usually reserved for Avengers movie finales: “Kailangan kong samahan sa House hearing ‘yung mga OVP personnel na nandoon.” This roughly translates to, “If my ship sinks, it will not sink without its entire crew.”

As the clock struck 11:56 a.m.—a time of absolutely no symbolic significance—Duterte arrived at the People’s Center, ready to ensure that all four summoned officials had their chance to showcase their creative reinterpretations of financial accountability. Her entry, one assumes, was accompanied by a soundtrack of inspirational slow clapping, courtesy of an imaginary yet supportive audience.

The Supporting Cast: A Comedy of Errors

The summoned quartet of OVP and DepEd personnel deserves special mention for their Oscar-worthy performances in the genre of Mystery Thriller – Bureaucratic Edition. Assistant Secretary Lemuel Ortonio, Special Disbursing Officer Gina Acosta, and the enigmatic Fajarda duo (Sunshine and Edward) arrived ready to answer hard-hitting questions—or at least engage in a riveting game of “Guess Whose Signature This Is.”

Their previous absence from hearings was explained by Rep. Romeo Acop as “continued defiance,” but one might argue they were simply waiting for the perfect dramatic entrance. And they did not disappoint: revelations about acknowledgment receipts (ARs) that bore more pseudonyms than a spy novel emerged. From “Kokoy Villamin,” whose handwriting mysteriously diversified across documents, to the evocatively named “Mary Grace Piattos,” these officials proved that even potato chips can moonlight as government personnel.

Confidential Funds: The Art of Creative Accounting

The hearing zeroed in on the OVP and DepEd’s confidential fund (CF) expenditures, which seemed to rival “Game of Thrones” in complexity and intrigue. The star of the show was Kokoy Villamin, who managed to sign multiple ARs with such flair that each signature looked like a new work of abstract art. One was longer, one was shorter—who knows, maybe Kokoy was just feeling different vibes on different days.

Then there was the pièce de résistance: Mary Grace Piattos. While some questioned the wisdom of naming a fictitious signatory after a coffee shop and a potato chip, others appreciated the culinary creativity. Perhaps this was a subtle nod to the Department of Education’s mandate to nourish young minds—or at least their sense of humor.

Satiric Tips:

Incorporate an AR Talent Show: To fully capitalize on the artistic diversity of these acknowledgment receipts, why not turn the probe into a competition? Let the officials demonstrate their signature techniques on live TV, complete with judges and audience voting.
Hire Villamin and Piattos as Brand Ambassadors: If these pseudonyms are already gaining fame, why not strike sponsorship deals? Picture this: “Mary Grace Piattos—Fueling Confidential Funds and Snack Cravings Nationwide.”
Confidential Funds: Now in Mystery Boxes: If transparency is off the table, why not lean into the suspense? Each box could contain a surprise allocation—school supplies, potato chips, or maybe even an actual audit report.
Rename the DepEd ‘Department of Improvisation’: A more accurate reflection of its apparent knack for creating new identities and reinventing signatures.

A Final Word

Duterte’s presence at the probe reminds us of a universal truth: where there’s smoke, there’s an audit waiting to happen—or at least a mystery novel in the making. Confidential funds, missing receipts, and pseudonyms straight from a grocery list? Who needs good governance when you have great material for the next season of ‘House of Dutertes’? Stay tuned, folks; the plot twists are just getting started.