Coup or Chiz-mis? The Senate’s Latest Attempt to Outdo Netflix

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — December 10, 2024

JUST when you thought Philippine politics couldn’t get more cinematic, enter stage left: a Senate coup plot targeting Francis ‘Chiz’ Escudero. As if the drama over Vice President Sara Duterte’s potential impeachment trial wasn’t gripping enough, this saga boasts more twists and turns than EDSA traffic during a long weekend. Alliances form, denials fly, and the spin cycle hums louder than your neighbor’s karaoke machine on a Saturday night.

Villar’s Shadowy Scheme: Why the Rumor Might Be True

The ‘Villar Conspiracy Theory’: Cynthia Villar’s alleged backing by 12 senators reads like a classic power grab. Perhaps the Villars are simply collecting Senate leadership titles like Pokémon. After all, when your family controls half of Philippine real estate, why not diversify into legislative presidencies?
The Dela Rosa Confession: Ronald dela Rosa, ever the loyal BFF, practically spilled the beans, stating he’d back Villar if given the chance. Nothing screams “totally not a coup” like declaring your readiness for one.
Timing is Everything: These rumors surface just as the Senate is preparing to don its impeachment court robes. Coincidence? Or a House of Cards-level move to install a Villar dynasty enabler before the impeachment trial?
Cayetano’s Cryptic Clues: Alan Peter Cayetano’s vague comments about “previous attempts” make it clear this isn’t the first time someone’s plotted a “Game of Thrones”-style Senate shuffle. What’s next, secret Senate meetings in the basement of a Vista Mall?
Astrological Alignment: Sources close to an unnamed crystal-ball enthusiast claim that the stars have aligned perfectly for Villar’s rise. Jupiter is in retrograde, and apparently, so is Senate protocol.

It’s a Farce! (or, “Why Would Anyone Want This Job?”)

Escudero’s Jedi Mind Trick: Chiz’s response—laughing off the rumor—suggests either supreme confidence or a man who knows he’s mastered the Senate’s version of the Force. Who needs a coup when you’re armed with sarcasm and a deadpan delivery?
The Villar Workload: Who has time for a coup when you’re already running a political dynasty and promoting fertilizer? Even Villar might balk at adding “Senate President” to her already crowded CV.
Loyalty Overload: Half the Senate is pledging allegiance to Escudero faster than you can say “balimbing.” If loyalty were a Senate currency, Chiz would be the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas.
Filipinos’ Short Attention Span: Let’s be real—most Filipinos are more interested in Pacquiao’s latest TikTok or the next episode of It’s Showtime than Senate coups. Who’s plotting, and who cares?
Too Many Cooks: With 12 alleged backers and a mix of alliances as stable as a three-legged table, any coup attempt would likely collapse under its own confusion. Who leads first? Who signs second? Who brings the snacks?

Satiric Tips for the Key Players

For the Senate: To avoid future “Chiz-mis,” senators should adopt a “No Plotting on Company Time” policy. Install security cameras in meeting rooms—or better yet, broadcast everything live on YouTube. If the public can’t watch decent governance, they might as well enjoy the political drama.
For Escudero: Consider monetizing the rumors with a reality TV deal. Title: Keeping Up with the Coup-dashians. Include weekly segments where Dela Rosa reveals yet another “totally hypothetical” leadership swap.
For Villar: Channel your inner tycoon and sponsor the coup rumors with product placements. Nothing says “nation-building” like a Vista Mall gift card giveaway during the impeachment trial.
For Filipinos: Embrace the chaos. Organize betting pools on who’ll lead the Senate next. Make Senate politics fun again—because if we’re stuck with this circus, we might as well sell popcorn.

Conclusion: The Senate’s Never-Ending Drama

True or not, these coup whispers remind us of one unshakable truth: the Philippine Senate doubles as the nation’s top reality show. With the impeachment trial promising more plot twists than a late-night teleserye, expect shifting alliances, dramatic walkouts, and Villar’s tireless campaign to trademark ‘Villar-tainment.’ For now, all we can do is grab some popcorn, watch the chaos unfold, and hope the scriptwriters don’t run out of ideas.