Comelec to Candidates: “Debate or Else!”

By Louis ‘Barok’ C Biraogo — January 25, 2025

IN AN audacious attempt to redefine ‘political theater,’ the Commission on Elections (Comelec) has mandated that all candidates partake in debates. Because who doesn’t love watching people dodge questions and hurl insults while pretending to care about policy? Forget progress—2025 might just be the year democracy wins an Emmy for Best Drama.

Comelec Chairman George Garcia, who apparently moonlights as a high school debate coach, explained the rationale behind the mandate: “We want voters to make informed choices. And by ‘informed,’ we mean watching candidates dodge questions, interrupt each other, and occasionally burst into tears. It’s like reality TV, but with fewer singing competitions and more policy jargon.”

Garcia also pointed out that candidates have already complied with other Comelec rules, such as submitting their headshots and registering their social media accounts. “If they can handle the existential crisis of choosing the right Instagram filter, they can handle a debate,” he said.

But not everyone is thrilled about this new rule. Some candidates have reportedly threatened to boycott the debates, citing concerns about “unfair questions” like “What is your platform?” and “Why are you running for office?” One candidate, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “I didn’t sign up for this. I just wanted to put my face on a poster and ride around in a jeepney blasting my campaign jingle. Is that too much to ask?”

Meanwhile, the media is caught in the middle of this political tug-of-war. On one hand, debates are a ratings goldmine. On the other hand, journalists are wary of becoming pawns in Comelec’s grand plan to turn the election into a televised spectacle. “We’re not just here to provide a stage for politicians to yell at each other,” said one exasperated news anchor. “Well, actually, that’s exactly what we’re here for. But we want to do it on our terms, not Comelec’s.”

In true bureaucratic fashion, the Comelec has also announced that it will supervise the debates to ensure “fairness and transparency.” This means candidates will be required to answer questions while standing on one foot, wearing a blindfold, and reciting the national anthem backward. “We want to make sure they’re really prepared for the challenges of public office,” Garcia explained.

To help candidates navigate this brave new world of mandatory debates, the Comelec has released a set of guidelines:

For Candidates: If you don’t know the answer to a question, just say “It’s all about the people” and then pivot to attacking your opponent. Bonus points if you can work in a reference to your childhood struggles.
For the Media: Please refrain from asking hard-hitting questions like “What is your plan for the economy?” Stick to safer topics, such as “What’s your favorite color?” and “Do you prefer adobo or sinigang?”
For Voters: Don’t worry if the debates don’t make sense. Just vote for the candidate with the best jingle.

In related news, the Comelec has also partnered with the Intellectual Property Office to crack down on candidates using copyrighted songs as campaign jingles. “We’re not saying you can’t use ‘Baby Shark’ to rally your supporters,” Garcia said. “We’re just saying you’ll need to pay royalties. Democracy isn’t free, folks.”

As the election season descends into a full-blown circus, remember: democracy might not always deliver results, but it never fails to entertain. So fire up your social media feeds, brace yourself for a tidal wave of political soundbites, and enjoy this tragicomedy. Because if the Comelec has taught us anything, it’s that elections aren’t just about choosing leaders—they’re about putting on a show worthy of the history books (or at least a trending hashtag).