Make Artificial Islands Great Again: The China Guide to Peacekeeping

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — January 27, 2025

IN THE ongoing saga of ‘Who’s Got the Bigger Missile?’, the Philippines, China, and the United States have once again taken their rivalry to the South China Sea, where diplomatic finesse meets military posturing in a high-stakes cha-cha-cha. At this point, it’s hard to say if they’re fighting over sea lanes or just trying to win the best choreography award.

The Philippines: Between a Rock and a Typhon Missile

Poor Philippines. It’s like a kid stuck between two bickering parents—one armed with advanced missiles and the other with, well, more advanced missiles. On one hand, Uncle Sam is camped out in the living room, insisting that these missile launchers are just for “training.” On the other hand, China is on the front porch, shouting that the kid is ruining the neighborhood with “regional tension.”

Meanwhile, ordinary Filipinos are left scratching their heads, wondering if the “Salaknib” exercise is a defense drill or a new K-pop dance routine. “Interoperability with advanced weapon systems” sounds impressive until you realize it just means a lot of standing around and pretending the world isn’t teetering on the brink of World War III.

China: Because Every Accusation is a Confession

China’s rebuke of the Typhon missile system is rich—almost as rich as the artificial islands they’ve militarized in international waters. Calling the deployment “highly dangerous” while your own missile-capable ships are loitering nearby is like a cat burglar accusing the neighbor of keeping their doors locked.

But, of course, China isn’t about hypocrisy—it’s about “regional harmony,” the kind achieved by building islands, arming them to the teeth, and naming them after virtues like “Peace” and “Friendship.” The irony is enough to make Confucius roll over in his grave.

The United States: Policing the Globe Since 1776 (Whether You Asked or Not)

Ah, the United States, ever the self-appointed defender of freedom—and by “freedom,” we mean freedom to station missiles wherever they like. The justification for the Typhon missile deployment is both simple and infallible: “We’re here to support our allies, maintain peace, and definitely not provoke anyone with Tomahawk cruise missiles capable of hitting Beijing from Manila.”

Washington seems to believe that the best way to counter China’s aggression is to out-aggress them. Nothing says “regional security” like parking advanced weaponry in someone else’s backyard and calling it a “joint exercise.”

Expertly Bad Advice: Because Who Needs Good Ideas?

The Philippines: Host a joint cooking competition between the US and China. Winner gets to deploy one less missile. Bonus points for using ingredients sourced from the South China Sea—if they can figure out whose waters they’re fishing in.
China: Build a new artificial island and declare it a “neutral zone.” Then turn it into a theme park called “Missile Mania.” Admission is free, but you must bring your own warship.
The United States: Rename the Typhon system “Friendly Fireworks” to soften the PR blow. Replace live drills with reenactments of Top Gun: Maverick—nothing boosts regional morale like Tom Cruise on a jet ski.

People Problems: Because Emotions Are Overrated

Back in Manila, jeepney drivers are likely muttering, “Missiles, huh? Will that help with traffic?” Fishermen are wondering if the next annual war game might involve teaching the US Army how to dodge jellyfish instead of radar-guided projectiles. And somewhere in Beijing, a bureaucrat is drafting another strongly worded letter that no one will read.

At the end of the day, the South China Sea drama is a tragicomic circus—national pride, military saber-rattling, and inflexible egos take center stage. Imagine a sketch from ‘Bubble Gang,’ only instead of slapstick jokes, we have missile tests and territorial squabbles that could ignite a global showdown.