Marcos vs. Rodriguez: The Battle of the Strands

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — February 2, 2025

JUST when you thought Philippine politics had reached peak absurdity, senatorial candidate Victor Rodriguez has introduced a new plot twist: forensic hairstyling. His latest demand? A hair follicle drug test for President Ferdinand Marcos Jr. Because apparently, the best way to determine a leader’s integrity is not through policy or governance but by analyzing whether his hair has been partying without him. Move over, election fraud conspiracies—our new national obsession is follicular forensics.

At first glance, Rodriguez’s demand seems like a noble call for transparency. After all, who doesn’t want a president with clean hair? But upon closer inspection, it becomes clear that this is less about accountability and more about political theater—specifically, the kind of theater where everyone is yelling, and no one is wearing pants.

Rodriguez’s Call: A Follicle Fiasco

Victor Rodriguez’s demand for a hair follicle test is ostensibly rooted in the constitutional principle that public office is a public trust. Or, as Rodriguez might put it, “If you’ve got nothing to hide, show us your strands!”

But here’s the problem: Rodriguez has provided exactly zero evidence to back up his claim that Marcos is secretly running a one-man drug cartel from the presidential palace. No photos of Marcos at a rave, no receipts for suspiciously large purchases of hair gel, nothing. It’s almost as if Rodriguez is making this up as he goes along, which, let’s be honest, is how most political strategies are born.

By bypassing due process and demanding a drug test without a legal basis, Rodriguez is essentially saying, “Trust me, bro.” And while that might work when you’re trying to borrow $20 from a friend, it’s not exactly a solid foundation for a national scandal.

Marcos Fires Back: ‘My Hair Is Cleaner Than Your Conscience

President Marcos, for his part, has dismissed Rodriguez’s demand as “irrelevant,” which is political speak for “I’m not falling for this nonsense.” In a move that can only be described as chef’s kiss, Marcos also questioned Rodriguez’s motives, pointing out that the senator used to work for him. “If he thought I was a drug addict, why did he stick around for so long?” Marcos asked, in what might be the most devastating comeback since “I know you are, but what am I?”

Marcos did release a medical certification from 2025 showing no evidence of drug abuse, but let’s be real: in the age of deepfakes and Photoshop, a piece of paper isn’t going to cut it. What Marcos really needs is a reality show where he submits to random drug tests while juggling flaming torches and reciting the Philippine national anthem backward. Now that would be transparency.

Follicle Fight Club: Marcos’ Guide to Winning the Hair Wars

If President Marcos wants to emerge from this follicular fiasco unscathed, he’s going to need a strategy. Here are a few options:

Go Full Oprah: Marcos could turn the tables by offering free hair follicle tests to every citizen in the Philippines. “You get a drug test! And you get a drug test! Everybody gets a drug test!” This would either shut Rodriguez up or turn the entire country into a giant episode of Maury.
Lean Into It: Marcos could embrace the absurdity by launching a line of presidential hair care products. “Marcos Mane: For Leaders Who Want to Look Good and Stay Clean.” Proceeds could go toward funding drug rehabilitation programs, because nothing says irony like turning a scandal into a marketing opportunity.
Challenge Rodriguez to a Dance-Off: If all else fails, Marcos could settle this the old-fashioned way: with a televised dance battle. The winner gets to dictate the national drug policy, and the loser has to shave their head. It’s a win-win for democracy.

Split Ends and Political Divides: The Hairline Fracture in Philippine Politics

This controversy is just the latest chapter in the ongoing saga of Philippine politics, where personal vendettas and historical grudges are passed down like family heirlooms. Former President Rodrigo Duterte, who has accused Marcos of being a “drug addict then and a drug addict now,” seems to be enjoying the show from the sidelines, probably while eating popcorn and muttering, “I told you so.”

Historically, drug-related allegations have been a go-to tactic in Philippine politics, used to discredit opponents and rally public support. But this time, the stakes are higher—because now it’s not just about drugs; it’s about hair. And in a country where good hair is practically a national treasure, that’s a big deal.

The Final Strand: Leadership, Hair, and the Art of Political Survival

The call for President Marcos to undergo a hair follicle drug test is more than just a political gambit—it’s a test of leadership, a test of patience, and, most importantly, a test of how much nonsense the Filipino people are willing to put up with.

If Marcos wants to rise above the fray, he’ll need to do more than just dismiss Rodriguez’s demands. He’ll need to show that he’s not just a leader with great hair, but a leader with great integrity. And if all else fails, he can always remind everyone that, at the end of the day, the only thing that really matters is that his hair looks fabulous.

Because let’s face it: in Philippine politics, good hair might be the only thing you can trust.