By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — March 16, 2025
IN A diplomatic twist that has left the world scratching its head and reaching for a map, Vladimir Putin has reportedly vowed to tank Ukraine peace talks unless the International Criminal Court (ICC) releases his “BFF,” former Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte. Sources say Putin delivered this ultimatum on Saturday, flanked by Belarusian dictator Alexander Lukashenko, who nodded along like a bobblehead on a vodka bender.
“I refuse to negotiate peace while my soulmate Rodrigo is locked up by those Western busybodies,” Putin allegedly thundered, slamming a fist on a table piled high with unsold nesting dolls. “Duterte and I bonded over our shared love of justice—and also our mutual disdain for pesky things like human rights. Free him, or Ukraine stays my personal punching bag.”
The demand comes as Duterte, arrested for turning his “war on drugs” into a civilian-killing spree, sulks in a Hague cell, reportedly asking guards for extra lumpia. Meanwhile, Ukraine peace talks—fresh off a hopeful Jeddah huddle where Donald Trump called them “very promising, believe me”—hit a wall faster than a tank in a Kyiv suburb. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy sighed, “First it’s NATO, then it’s territory, now it’s a guy who thinks extrajudicial killings are a management style. I need a nap.”
Analysts are baffled. “Putin’s either playing 4D chess or he’s just lonely,” mused Dr. Elena Petrova, a Moscow expert who may or may not exist. “Maybe he’s planning a buddy cop movie with Duterte—‘Strongmen: No Rules, Just Right.’” Over in Washington, Secretary of State Marco Rubio shrugged, “I didn’t sign up to babysit a bromance.”
Trump, ever the dealmaker, floated a solution from Mar-a-Lago. “I’ll call Vlad—great guy, loves me—and offer him a Trump Tower Manila if he drops this Duterte thing. Everyone wins, especially my branding.”
As the world waits, Putin’s loyalty to his Filipino pal has sparked a new theory: he’s less interested in Ukraine’s borders than in securing a retirement villa in Davao. “Let’s trade,” Zelenskyy quipped. “He can have Duterte, and I’ll take a week without missiles. Deal?”
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KWEBA ni BAROK 
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