By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — March 19, 2025
MANILA—In a stunning revelation that has left legal scholars baffled and travel agents scrambling, President Ferdinand Marcos Jr. has reportedly pioneered a groundbreaking approach to international relations: abducting former heads of state under the guise of law enforcement. According to prominent attorney Raul Lambino, Marcos and his Cabinet have been caught red-handed in a “grand conspiracy” to whisk ex-President Rodrigo Duterte off to The Hague, potentially violating every statute from the Rome Statute to the Interpol handbook on polite arrests.
Lambino, speaking from his office decorated entirely in laminated copies of the Philippine Constitution, insists that this isn’t just a routine extradition gone awry. “This is kidnapping, plain and simple,” he declared, gesturing dramatically at Article 267 of the Revised Penal Code, which he claims Marcos has turned into a how-to guide. “The Rome Statute says war crimes are bad, but it never said anything about snatching someone from Ninoy Aquino International Airport like it’s a budget airline promotion.”
The plot thickened when Interior Secretary Jonvic Remulla allegedly let slip that the government had been planning Duterte’s involuntary European vacation for months. Sources close to the administration, who requested anonymity because they were busy forging Interpol red notices, say the operation was codenamed “Operation Frequent Flyer.” The plan, they insist, was to enforce international justice while simultaneously breaking every law they were sworn to uphold—a multitasking feat worthy of a Nobel Prize in irony.
In an exclusive interview with Dr. Legalia Overcomplicata, a self-proclaimed expert in “treaty misapplication” at the University of Satirical Jurisprudence, the absurdity reached new heights. “Under the Interpol treaties, you’re supposed to notify the suspect with a polite letter, maybe a fruit basket,” she explained, adjusting her comically oversized gavels-as-earrings. “Instead, Marcos opted for the dramatic airport grab-and-go, which technically violates Section 3, Paragraph Z of the ‘Don’t Be That Guy’ clause in international law.”
Lambino, meanwhile, sees a silver lining in the chaos. “If Marcos can kidnap Duterte and call it justice, what’s stopping him from nabbing traffic violators and deporting them to Luxembourg?” he mused, envisioning a Philippines where jaywalking earns you a one-way ticket to the Alps. Critics, however, argue that the real crime is the government’s inability to distinguish between a lawful arrest and a plot twist from a Jason Statham movie.
The irony isn’t lost on Manila’s citizens, who watched Duterte—who once bragged about tossing criminals from helicopters—get airlifted to The Hague in what Lambino calls “a karmic frequent flyer upgrade.” Yet the legal quagmire deepens: If Marcos broke Philippine law to enforce an ICC warrant the country doesn’t recognize, does that make him a criminal mastermind or just really bad at reading treaties?
As the nation debates, Marcos remains unfazed, reportedly drafting a new executive order titled “Arrest First, Ask Questions Never.” In a leaked memo, he proposed expanding the program to include noisy neighbors and slow texters, ensuring that by 2026, the Philippines will either be a model of global justice or the world’s most creative penal colony. Either way, travel warnings have never sounded so thrilling.
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KWEBA ni BAROK 
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