April Fool’s Surprise: President’s Staff Desperately Hopes Popularity Numbers Are Just a Practical Joke
By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — April 1, 2025
THE Philippine Star’s resident Nostradamus, Alex Magno, has once again peered into his crystal ball (or possibly a malfunctioning Magic 8-Ball) and unearthed a shocking truth: President Ferdinand R. Marcos Jr. has an approval rating of just 14%.
This claim, of course, is so rigorously researched that even the pollsters who allegedly conducted the survey seem blissfully unaware of its existence. Meanwhile, actual surveys from institutions not powered by wishful thinking show Marcos cruising at 59%, proving that, much like a questionable Netflix reboot, the audience remains begrudgingly engaged.
The 14% Approval Rating Myth: Magno’s Poll of One
Magno insists that Marcos’ political capital is “depleted.” If true, then the entire Philippine polling industry must be suffering a catastrophic power outage. The alleged 14% rating appears to have been sourced from an alternate dimension, where scientific methodology is replaced by the journalistic equivalent of reading tea leaves.
For reference, a 59% satisfaction rating from Social Weather Stations in December 2024 suggests Filipinos still have faith in their president—or at least aren’t quite ready to trade him in for an AI-generated replacement. Meanwhile, Sara Duterte’s alleged “triple” approval rating remains a mystery, much like why Magno insists on citing phantom surveys.
Duterte’s Arrest: A Revolution That Wasn’t
Magno describes the March 11, 2025, arrest of former President Rodrigo Duterte as a political spark that set the nation aflame. The resulting inferno of public outrage apparently drew “hundreds of thousands” of protesters—or as mathematicians call it, “a rounding error in a country of 114 million.”
In reality, Duterte’s arrest triggered a nationwide crisis of…mild inconvenience. Protests were held, but so were weekend sales at every major mall in the Philippines, and guess which event drew more attendees? Even Duterte’s birthday rally on March 28 was outnumbered by the people lining up for a new Jollibee Chickenjoy promo.
The ‘Do-Nothing’ Presidency: Mastering the Art of Inertia
According to Magno, Marcos has lost the political will to lead. This is an unfair accusation. Maintaining this level of inaction actually takes an immense amount of effort. Few leaders can make “legislative napping” seem like a governance strategy.
In fact, Malacañang’s rumored “legacy campaign” should embrace the brand fully: “BBM: Making Siesta a State Policy.” It’s a compelling message for a nation that values a good afternoon nap. Plus, at least it’s an honest one.
Economic Doom-Saying: When Math is Optional
Magno insists that inflation is “rampant,” despite actual data showing it has been decreasing. His grasp of numbers is so avant-garde, it belongs in the Louvre next to Picasso’s abstract period.
According to actual economists—as opposed to Magno’s personal arithmetic—inflation was at 2.9% in January 2025, well within manageable levels. Food inflation, which he portrays as apocalyptic, has also moderated. But why let facts interfere with a good doomsday prophecy?
Dynastic Drama: The Never-Ending Telenovela
Magno’s op-ed (Depleted) isn’t just a critique of Marcos’ leadership; it’s a script pitch for the next big political telenovela. “The Dutertes vs. The Marcoses: More Seasons Than ‘The Simpsons,’ but With Fewer Laughs and More ICC Warrants.”
The real tragedy here isn’t a “depleted” presidency; it’s the cycle of recycled political family drama. Filipino voters don’t need another reboot of the same old series. They need new writers in Congress—preferably ones who don’t rely on political fanfiction.
Final Zinger: A Magic 8-Ball Would Be More Accurate
In conclusion, the only thing “depleted” here is the op-ed’s grip on reality. For those seeking a more reliable analysis, we recommend consulting a Magic 8-Ball—or better yet, actual data.
Disclaimer: This is satire. If it upsets you, please consult a sense of humor.
- ₱75 Million Heist: Cops Gone Full Bandit
- ₱1.9 Billion for 382 Units and a Rooftop Pool: Poverty Solved, Next Problem Please
- ₱1 Billion Congressional Seat? Sorry, Sold Out Na Raw — Si Bello Raw Ang Hindi Bumili
- “We Will Take Care of It”: Bersamin’s P52-Billion Love Letter to Corruption
- “Skewed Narrative”? More Like Skewered Taxpayers!
- “My Brother the President Is a Junkie”: A Marcos Family Reunion Special
- “Mapipilitan Akong Gawing Zero”: The Day Senator Rodante Marcoleta Confessed to Perjury on National Television and Thought We’d Clap for the Creativity
- “Bend the Law”? Cute. Marcoleta Just Bent the Constitution into a Pretzel
- “Allocables”: The New Face of Pork, Thicker Than a Politician’s Hide
- “Ako ’To, Ading—Pass the Shabu and the DNA Kit”
- Zubiri’s Witch Hunt Whine: Sara Duterte’s Impeachment as Manila’s Melodrama Du Jour
- Zaldy Co’s Billion-Peso Plunder: A Flood of Lies Exposed
KWEBA ni BAROK 
Leave a comment