Nation Discovers Imaginary Piggy Bank Under Capitol Floorboards

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — April 21, 2025

IN A revelation that has Washington buzzing like a prospector’s fever dream, former CIA advisor and self-styled Nostradamus of doom, Jim Rickards, has unearthed America’s greatest secret: a $150 trillion mineral fortune, hidden since the 19th century under a legal forcefield so impenetrable, even the Founding Fathers forgot to mention it between bouts of quill-pen dueling. According to Rickards—Distinguished Chair of Panic Studies at the University of Glenn Beck—this subterranean jackpot, stretching from sea to shining sea, is not gold, not oil, but “all the rocks in America,” multiplied by the GDP of Narnia, as confirmed by the Bureau of Made-Up Numbers.

The story begins with the General Mining Act of 1872, a law co-authored by Paul Bunyan and a particularly persuasive tumbleweed. Long criticized for letting prospectors claim federal land for the price of a Starbucks latte, it’s now been retroactively rebranded as “America’s Fort Knox” by people who’ve never read it. “This treasure survived two world wars, the Great Depression, and the 2008 financial crisis!” Rickards proclaims, neglecting to mention it also survived basic arithmetic. Experts estimate the actual mineral wealth at a mere $6.2 trillion—still enough to buy every senator a solid-gold garden gnome, but a far cry from Rickards’ fevered $150 trillion, which could purchase every Tesla, Twitter, and Taylor Swift Eras Tour ticket, twice, if Elon agrees to stop tweeting.

The plot thickened with the Supreme Court’s 2024 reversal of the Chevron Doctrine, a decision Rickards claims “unlocked” this geological El Dorado. In a 6-3 ruling, the Court declared that henceforth, all buried treasure shall be governed by the legal precedent of Goonies v. One-Eyed Willy. “If agencies can’t interpret laws,” mused a fictional Justice, “we’ll just let corporate lobbyists do it—efficiency!” This, Rickards insists, removed the final bureaucratic hurdle, allowing corporations to mine the nation’s crust like kids digging for quarters in a couch.

Rickards, the man who brought you Currency Wars and How to Monetize Paranoia, has outdone himself. His latest prophecy, available for a 12-month subscription fee, promises an apocalypse with a side of mineral riches. “I trusted Jim’s last prediction and bought gold-lined bunkers,” raves Prepper #4,737. “Now I’m rich—in obsolete survival gear!” Critics note Rickards’ claims lack pesky things like evidence, with the $150 trillion figure seemingly plucked from a hat labeled “Newsletter Sales.” The U.S. Geological Survey, meanwhile, yawns, pointing to active mining under the 1872 Act, which never “sealed” anything except maybe a few bad land deals.

Congress, ever pragmatic, has drafted a bill to spend this imaginary $150 trillion on a Mars colony—for lawmakers only. “If we’re inventing money,” one representative quipped, “we might as well invent gravity too.”

Correction: An earlier version stated this fund could solve the national debt. It cannot. But do check out Jim’s newsletter, ‘Debtpocalypse Now!’, for more unverified miracles.

Source:

The Manila Times (Apr 17, 2025):

https://www-manilatimes-net.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.manilatimes.net/2025/04/17/tmt-newswire/globenewswire/the-asset-washington-couldnt-touch-former-pentagon-insider-reveals-the-150-trillion-fortune-that-survived-generations-of-political-greed/2094597/amp?amp_js_v=0.1&amp_gsa=1#webview=1