Baste Demands Hair Follicle Drug Test for Entire Senate Before Bout; Torre Counters With Urine Test for All Duterte Pets

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — July 25, 2025

Round 1: The Clown Show at Rizal Memorial Coliseum

IN A nation where political discourse often resembles a teleserye scripted by a caffeine-addled soap opera writer, the proposed 12-round charity boxing match between Philippine National Police (PNP) Chief Gen. Nicolas Torre III and Acting Davao City Mayor Sebastian “Baste” Duterte is the latest episode of “Who Needs Governance When We Have Gloves?”

The Rizal Memorial Coliseum, a hallowed ground where José Rizal’s intellectual legacy once echoed, is now reduced to hosting a grudge match between a top cop who thinks he’s Manny Pacquiao in a badge and a mayor who channels his inner street brawler—when he’s not busy backpedaling. The venue, aptly chosen, will now reverberate with the thud of political egos instead of the cheers for national heroes.

Torre, ever the showman, strutted before cameras in Camp Crame, punching mitts like a budget Rocky Balboa—except his training montage was less “Eye of the Tiger” and more “Eye-Roll of the Taxpayer.” Meanwhile, Baste, who once vowed to “beat up a monkey” (his charming nickname for Torre), suddenly demanded drug tests for all government officials, including President Marcos, as a condition for the fight.

Barok’s Irony Alert:

A Duterte—whose father’s “war on drugs” is under ICC scrutiny—now demands hair follicle tests like a sudden convert to transparency. It’s like a pyromaniac insisting on fire drills.

Round 2: The Charity Hustler vs. The Backpedaling Brawler

Torre: The Charity Hustler

The PNP chief’s pivot to “let’s-help-flood-victims” is either a stroke of PR genius or a cynical sleight-of-hand. Sure, turning a fistfight into a fundraiser sounds noble—until you remember that Torre’s day job involves enforcing laws, not breaking them (dueling is illegal under Article 261 of the Revised Penal Code). His insistence that “sponsors are ready” even if Baste chickens out reeks of a man who’s already counting the PR points, not the pesos for flood relief.

Barok’s Snarky Side-Eye:

Torre’s charity angle is like a bank robber hosting a fundraiser for stolen wallets.

Baste: The Backpedaling Brawler

Baste’s machismo evaporated faster than a sinigang broth when Torre called his bluff. His drug-test demand is either a principled stand or a coward’s exit strategy—likely the latter. After all, this is the same man who called Torre a “monkey” (because nothing says “statesmanship” like playground insults). His supporters might cheer, but the rest of us are left wondering: Is this governance or a TikTok feud?

Barok’s Snarky Side-Eye:

Baste’s drug test condition is a Hail Mary pass from a man who realized he’s out of his weight class.

Round 3: Ironic Juxtapositions (Or, Only in the Philippines)

Torre, the Law Enforcer, is breaking the law by agreeing to a duel. Bonus irony: He once arrested Baste’s dad for the ICC—now he’s settling scores with jabs instead of justice.
Baste, the Anti-Drug Crusader, suddenly cares about drug tests—but only if everyone else takes them first. Hypocrisy level: Olympic gold.
The Venue: Rizal Memorial Coliseum, where the nation’s hero once inspired intellectual revolt, now hosts a slapstick spectacle. Rizal is spinning in his grave.
Manny Pacquiao as Referee? The boxing legend turned senator might as well declare this the “Clown Division” title bout.

Round 4: Public Reactions—From ‘Marites’ to Moral Outrage

The ‘Marites’ Crowd

Placing bets online: “Torre by TKO in Round 5!”
Meme factories churn out “12 rounds, 12 kilos of rice” posters.

Civil Society

Groaning as governance devolves into WWE Raw.
“Why not just hold a debate? Oh wait, that requires actual policy knowledge.”

International Media

“In the Philippines, impeachment is too slow—they settle scores in 12 rounds.”
The ICC sighs: “We have a courtroom, but sure, a boxing ring works too.”

Round 5: Satirical Recommendations (Because Why Stop at Boxing?)

Philippine Political Olympics 2025

Arnis Duel for budget debates.
Duterte Family Roast hosted by ICC prosecutors.
Marcos vs. Duterte Rap Battle (loser returns ill-gotten wealth).

The Real Charity

Torre and Baste donate their salaries to flood victims and shut up.

Next Time, Try This

A policy debate—novel idea, I know.

Final Bell: The Circus Has Officially Come to Town

In a nation drowning in floods, scandals, and ICC indictments, Torre and Baste chose to add slapstick. The Filipino people deserve leaders who throw punches at poverty, corruption, and typhoon recovery—not at each other.

But hey, at least the sponsors are happy.

Bravo, gentlemen. The circus is now in session.