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50 Shades of Grains: Erotic Fanfiction from the Department of Agriculture

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Louis ‘Barok’ Biraogo

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50 Shades of Grains: Erotic Fanfiction from the Department of Agriculture

Starring the Department of Agriculture as the loveable saboteur of both food security and farmer welfare.

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — August 3, 2025

I. “We’re Saving Farmers!” (While Letting Their Incomes Collapse)

Naks, the Department of Agriculture (DA) is once again selling a fable disguised as policy. With a smirk and a spreadsheet, it insists that a “gradual” increase in rice import tariffs—from 15% to 25%, maybe 35%—will heroically rescue Filipino farmers without hurting consumers. A miracle, really.

Except… under the DA’s stewardship, palay prices crashed by 32%—from ₱24.93/kg in 2023 to just ₱16.99/kg in June 2025. That’s not “support”—that’s premeditated poverty.

But don’t worry, the DA promises relief via the ₱30 billion Rice Competitiveness Enhancement Fund (RCEF). The same fund where:

  • ₱5.1 billion is stuck in red tape,
  • Only 7.62% was disbursed in 2023, and
  • Farmers received overpriced, mismatched machinery—when they received anything at all.

Meanwhile, in Bulacan, the NBI raided rice warehouses for repackaging scams: old rice, new labels, big profits. And yet, we’re to believe a tariff tweak will magically fix farmgate economics?

II. “Don’t Worry, It’s Just ₱1 More Per Kilo!” (Which Means a Lot When You’re Starving)

The DA assures us that this policy will cause only a “modest” ₱1–₱3/kg hike in retail rice prices. Which is cute—until you realize:

  • Rice makes up 18% of spending for the poorest Filipino families.
  • A ₱1/kg increase translates to 500,000 fewer meals per day across the country.
  • 7.5 million families already experience hunger, as reported by SWS.

But hey, let them eat tariff-funded R&D, right?

The DA’s Maximum Suggested Retail Price (MSRP) has become a national joke:

Next week, maybe it’ll be pegged to your horoscope.

III. “Trust the System!” (That’s Still Delivering Tractors From 2022)

This isn’t policy; it’s performative incompetence.

Consider:

Meanwhile, palay farmers—net consumers themselves—are forced into cash-for-work sweeping programs, just to feed their families.

But sure, raise the tariffs. That’ll help.

IV. “It’s All for Food Security!” (Except for the Climate, and the Poor, and the Soil…)

Let’s play “spot the blind spot”:

  • El Niño caused ₱4.75 billion in rice losses in 2024 (PhilStar, 2024).
  • 45% of farmland is eroded, making any talk of “increased local production” laughable without soil rehabilitation.
  • No climate resilience funding is included in the tariff hike proposal—none. Zero. Nada.

Instead, the DA’s masterstroke? Aligning tariff hikes with Vietnam’s and Pakistan’s harvests. Because, of course, the ideal time to raise prices on imports is when importers can profit more.

“How shocking that the ‘pro-farmer’ policy aligns perfectly with trader harvest cycles!”

V. “We Can Fix It With More Tariffs!” (Even Though the Last Tariff Cut Actually Helped)

Let’s talk about the 2024 tariff cut from 35% to 15%. You remember—that thing that actually lowered retail prices?

Despite that success, farmgate prices still collapsed, proving once again that tariff tweaks don’t trickle down unless you first fix the market and clean up the middlemen.

But the DA, suffering from policy amnesia, wants to reverse course. “Let’s pretend P30B in RCEF funds will magically reach farmers this time, despite all evidence to the contrary. [Insert eye-roll].”

VI. “We’re Reforming Agriculture!” (Unless It Involves Land Reform, Climate Resilience, or Jail Time)

If the DA wants to do more than collect ribbon-cutting photos:

🧾 For the DA

  • Publish a full, audited accounting of all RCEF spending—by region, by coop, by peso.
  • Name and suspend the officials delaying disbursement of farmer aid.
  • Create an independent regulatory body to police rice middlemen and shut down repackaging fraud.

🧑‍⚖️ For President Marcos Jr.

  • You declared a “Food Security Emergency” in February 2025. Act like it.
  • Either subsidize rice for the poor, or admit this tariff hike is a regressive tax on hunger.

✊🏽 For the Public

  • Demand that rice reform includes climate adaptation, irrigation, and sustainable inputs.
  • Protest any tariff hike without concurrent transparency, land reform, and prosecution of rice cartels.

Because if we keep pretending that “tariffs” are a substitute for governance, we’ll all be eating air-priced rice served with powdered excuses.

VII. Conclusion: A Policy Cooked by Cronies, Served Cold to the Poor

The DA’s proposed tariff hike is a masterclass in failed logic, institutional amnesia, and elite indifference.

It punishes the poor to pretend it’s helping farmers. It funds overpriced equipment no one uses. It ignores climate disasters, covers for middlemen, and breaks every promise it made under the Rice Tariffication Law.

“The DA’s ‘gradual’ tariff hike is like offering a Band-Aid to a patient bleeding out—while pocketing the ambulance fee.”

And when it fails, as it surely will, expect another round of press releases, price controls, and token subsidies. The only thing growing in Philippine agriculture is excuses.

📚 Key Citations

Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo

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