DA to Farmers: Let Them Eat Tariffs — A Tragicomedy in Three Acts

By Louis “Barok” C. Biraogo — August 6, 2025

🎭 Act I: Curtain Call for Common Sense

The Department of Agriculture’s new proposal is like offering a band-aid to a gunshot wound—if the band-aid were made of red tape, soaked in imported rice vinegar, and stamped “From the Generous Pockets of the Importers’ Lobby.”

Hot off the heels of their last production, “50 Shades of Grains: Erotic Fanfiction from the Department of Agriculture”, our agricultural thespians are back with a sequel nobody asked for:

“The Tariff Strikes Back.”

This time, the DA promises to “protect farmers” by doing what it does best:

Making food more expensive for the average Filipino
While ensuring cartels stay well-fed

Meanwhile, the Presidential Communications Office (PCO)—forever the loyal stagehand—adds:

“Details will still be discussed and agreed upon.”

Translation?

“We haven’t read the script either, but we’re sure it’ll bomb at the box office.”

🔁 Act II: Fifty Shades of Déjà Vu

Ah yes—the erotic tension between policy and performance.

In last week’s exposé, I highlighted how the DA managed to turn rice policy into a melodramatic bodice-ripper, laced with such steamy jargon as “strategic self-sufficiency” and “value chain enhancement.”

This week, the same actors are back on stage. Only now, they want to:

Suspend rice importation
Reinstate a 35% tariff
And pitch it as an “urgent” policy—while the President is off in India for photo ops and paneer diplomacy

As for the farmers?
They get a walk-on role when harvest season becomes a sob story on TV Patrol—and are swiftly forgotten once the last drone shot fades.

Let’s not forget:

Rice prices soared last year despite “liberalized imports.”

So if tariff hikes and import bans are the magic fix, then tell us:

Why are farmers still poorer than a congressman’s moral compass?

💸 Act III: Whose Side Are They On, Anyway?

Let’s cut the crap. This isn’t about protecting farmers.

This is about preserving import quotas, fueling price speculation, and keeping the illusion of competence alive.

Because when rice imports stop, guess who profits?

Not Juan Magsasaka in Nueva Ecija, drowning in debts and fake fertilizer
But the warehouse warlords, hoarding rice like it’s Marcos memorabilia

Once supply dips, prices spike—and suddenly we need “emergency importation” at jacked-up prices. Rinse, repeat, reelection.

And then there’s the Philippine Council for Agriculture and Fisheries (Pcaf)—the DA’s in-house Greek chorus—earnestly declaring:

“With the price increase of imported rice, this could protect local rice farmers…”

Could. Might. Perhaps.

These are not policies—they’re zodiac signs printed on government stationery.

🎁 Encore: A Modest Proposal, Barok-Style

If we’re going to keep pretending this is serious governance, might as well go all in.

Here’s my suggestion:

Mandate farmers to pay irrigation fees in rice terraces sculpted to look like Cabinet members’ faces.

Or better yet:

Index rice tariffs to the DA’s approval rating.

The lower their credibility, the lower the tariffs. That way, we finally give bureaucrats a reason to perform.

Because right now, the only thing rising faster than rice prices is the DA’s capacity for self-parody.

🎤 Final Curtain Call

Let’s be crystal clear:

This proposal is not a plan—it’s a panic attack in policy form.

It’s what happens when you mix:

Bureaucratic amnesia
Economic superstition
And a dash of lobbyist tears

…and call it agricultural reform.

So to the Department of Agriculture:
If you insist on writing more fanfiction, at least try horror next time.
Because for Filipino farmers, your policies are already a nightmare.