GUANZON vs. ONE UBO: How a Former COMELEC Commissioner Turned a P15 Mask Into a Grave National Security Threat

“Rolex mo, problema ko.”

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — December 8, 2025

DEAR suffering citizens of this humid archipelago,
Louis “Barok” C. Biraogo here — your friendly neighborhood legal vulture, retired professional nightmare of law graduates, and full-time coroner of public stupidity. Gather round, because today we dissect the greatest legal comedy since the last time someone tried to sue gravity: the Rockwell Coughing Catastrophe™ starring none other than retired Commission on Elections (COMELEC) Commissioner, professional loudmouth, and newly crowned Queen of Unjust Vexation, Atty. Rowena Amelia V. Guanzon (Inquirer, 8 Dec. 2025).

**“From COMELEC to COME-@ME-BRO: one cough, one mask, one massive meltdown.”**

The “Facts” (If We Can Call Them That)

Scene: Power Plant Mall, Rockwell — the natural habitat of overpriced coffee and understated wealth signaling.
Date: December 6, 2025.
Crime: One (1) cough. Possibly allergy-related. Possibly the onset of the apocalypse. We may never know.

According to the star witness, director, and cinematographer of her own humiliation video, Atty. Guanzon emitted a single, solitary cough near the food bazaar. Enter our unnamed villain (rumored Chinese national, name redacted because even the Makati police have standards) who allegedly delivered the following reign of terror:

“You’re coughing. You should leave the mall, you should stay at home.”

Followed by the knockout blow:

“Don’t you have money to buy a mask?”

That’s it. That’s the felony.

What followed was a Category 5 meltdown: screaming, cursing (“motherfuckers!”), frantic Rolex-and-Gucci inventory checking (“These are not stolen! This is a Rolex! This is a Gucci!”), and the pièce de résistance — filming the whole thing and uploading it herself for the entire country to roast in 4K.

The next day, still riding the adrenaline high, she marched to the Makati police and filed charges for:

Unjust Vexation
Grave Oral Defamation

Yes, dear readers. Grave. Oral. Defamation. Over mask advice.

The Legal Farce: A Surgical Takedown

Unjust Vexation (Article 287, Revised Penal Code)

This is the favorite toy of every thin-skinned Filipino who has ever been annoyed in public. It punishes “any act that vexes, annoys, or irritates” another person without amounting to a more serious crime. Past convictions include staring too long, calling someone “gaga,” and — I swear this is real — playing videoke past 10 p.m.

Apparently, in the parallel universe where Atty. Guanzon is the eternal victim, being told to buy a P15 disposable mask in the middle of an upscale mall now ranks alongside line-cutters at Metropolitan Manila Development Authority-regulated Mass Rapid Transit (MRT), jeepney barkers, and people who reheat fish in the office microwave.

Congratulations, Rockwell shopper. You have achieved the legal equivalent of being sued for saying “Tabi po” too aggressively.

Grave Oral Defamation (Article 358, Revised Penal Code)

To qualify as “grave,” the statement must be “of a serious and insulting nature.” Supreme Court jurisprudence (because yes, grown adults have argued this in actual courtrooms) says calling someone “thief,” “swindler,” or “adulterer” can be grave. Telling a former election commissioner — in the most expensive mall in Metro Manila — “Don’t you have money to buy a mask?” is apparently now in the same league.

Let me translate the elements for you:

Imputation of a crime, vice, or defect? → Being poor is not a crime, vice, or defect. Last I checked, the Constitution still frowns on debtor’s prisons.
Made publicly? → Yes, but the person who made it public nationwide was… the complainant herself.
Malicious? → Suggesting someone wear a mask during cough season is now malice. Good to know. I’ll update my Christmas cards accordingly.

This case has less legal leg to stand on than a parking ticket issued on Epifanio de los Santos Avenue (EDSA) during rush hour.

In Defense of the Unnamed Hygiene Vigilante (Delivered with Ironic Gravitas)

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rise today to defend the real victim: the poor soul who simply asked a coughing stranger to show basic courtesy in a post-pandemic world. His true crime? Interrupting a former public official’s main-character moment in the middle of her weekend shopping.

He displayed monk-like restraint. Most Filipinos would have escalated to “Hoy, ano ba yan!” within 0.3 seconds. This man calmly suggested public-health etiquette and somehow ended up as the defendant in a criminal case. For that, he deserves a medal, a lifetime supply of surgical masks, and hazard pay.

His only mistake was not immediately filing a counter-charge for Alarm and Scandal, Attempted Assault by Decibel Level, or Disturbing the Peace of Overpriced Brunch Enjoyers.

The Circus of Possible Outcomes

The Perry Mason Fantasy
Full-blown trial. Drama. Tears. Rolex exhibits. A nation glued to livestreams. (Probability: 0.5%. The prosecutor has actual murders to file.)
Barangay Hall Soap Opera
Forced mediation with kape’t pandesal. Both parties sign a settlement agreeing never to cough or give health advice within 500 meters of each other.
The Hero We All Secretly Pray For: Prescription
Two months for unjust vexation, six months for oral defamation. By mid-2026 this case joins the Great Philippine Archive of Forgotten Nonsense alongside the “POGO love triangle shooting” and “Congressman punches waiter over cold tapa.”
The True Punishment: Social Media Gulag
Eternal meme-ification. Already happening. The video has more remixes than a Bad Bunny album.

Grand Implications for Society (Delivered with Faux Profundity)

From now on, giving unsolicited health advice in Rockwell may constitute a felony.
Flaunting a Rolex is now a valid defense against perceived classism.
We have invented a new crime: Viral Vexation — where the real offense is embarrassing yourself on camera and then suing the witness.

Recommendations from Your Favorite Legal Troll

To Atty. Guanzon:

Invest immediately in (1) a silk handkerchief (more dignified), (2) a blood-pressure monitor that texts you “Chill, teh,” and (3) a social-media manager whose only job is to wrestle the phone from your hands during episodes.

To the Mall Goer:

Carry a laminated card in three languages that says: “Bless your heart. Gesundheit. Please accept this complimentary mask sponsored by the Department of Not Getting Sued.”

To the General Public:

The Department of Health (DOH) should launch mandatory “Cough Etiquette & Conflict De-escalation” seminars in every mall atrium. Required attendance for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “Alam mo, concerned lang ako.”

The Barok Verdict

Case dismissed with extreme prejudice for terminal frivolity, aggravated by self-inflicted viral evidence.
Costs assessed against the complainant’s sense of perspective and volume control.
The court strongly recommends that everyone — especially retired commissioners — take a deep breath. Preferably at home. With a mask.

Court adjourned. Next case: “Woman sues wind for blowing hair out of place.”

Barok out. 🐊