Heavenly Endorsements: Quiboloy Runs for Senate, Promises to Bless Corruption Away

By Louis ‘Barok‘ C. Biraogo — October 9, 2024

IF YOU thought turning water into wine was impressive, wait till you hear Apollo Quiboloy’s latest trick: launching a Senate campaign from prison. The self-styled ‘Appointed Son of God’ has apparently traded the pearly gates for the rusty bars of Camp Crame, but hey, who needs divine intervention when you’ve got a captive audience? If his televangelism career has taught us anything, it’s that Quiboloy is no stranger to making miracles out of very questionable circumstances.

The Appointed Son of Politics

Let’s take a moment to admire Quiboloy’s political platform. He’s not just your average, everyday detained televangelist. No, this man is running for the Senate on a platform of religious freedom—presumably the freedom to run your own kingdom, face human trafficking charges, and still make it to your next rally (virtually, of course). Who better to defend religious freedom than someone who has created a religion tailored specifically to worship his holiness, the Appointed Son of God? In fact, why bother with elections at all? We could just appoint him, as God has already done.

His lawyer, Mark Tolentino, assures us that Quiboloy is “running because of God and our beloved Philippines.” With such a powerful endorsement, who needs campaign ads? The Lord has spoken, and His candidate is ready to serve. Besides, if Quiboloy has the support of the Almighty, does he really need to worry about something as trivial as human trafficking charges?

Zero Corruption, Infinite Irony

Quiboloy promises to bring “zero corruption” to the government. Now, this is a bold claim coming from a man facing accusations of human trafficking, sexual abuse, and maintaining a divine harem of “church workers.” But hey, perhaps Quiboloy believes in a higher form of accountability—one where earthly legal systems just can’t measure up to heavenly standards.

His plan to “replicate his KJC policies and projects throughout the country” raises a few eyebrows. Are we to assume the KJC’s infamous “laying on of hands” will now be extended to legislative sessions? Maybe he’ll introduce a Senate prayer line, where you can absolve your sins in exchange for a small donation, ideally one that comes with a hefty “political favor” attached. After all, what better way to fund a zero-corruption platform than with the gifts of the faithful?

A Spiritual Campaign Fund

Of course, Quiboloy’s campaign is well-financed, not by mere mortal donations, but by the blessings of his global flock. With a kingdom that stretches across borders, from Davao City to the United States, his coffers overflow with the contributions of followers who believe that the more they give, the closer they’ll get to heaven—or at least a VIP pass to the Senate floor.

Quiboloy’s name recall? Unmatched. After all, how many other candidates can say they’re both a political figure and the living embodiment of God’s will on Earth? His supporters, most of whom have been praying for his release (and, one presumes, also his victory), see his candidacy as nothing short of a miracle. His political opponents, meanwhile, are left wondering how they can compete with a man who has the direct backing of the Creator.

The Case Against the Appointed Senator

Let’s now address the elephant in the room—the human trafficking charges, sexual abuse allegations, and that pesky detail about being detained. Critics argue that running for the Senate from behind bars presents logistical difficulties, not the least of which is how Quiboloy plans to attend sessions. Zoom meetings from jail? A hologram of the Appointed Son addressing the Senate? No one knows for sure, but if anyone can find a divine loophole in the legal system, it’s Quiboloy.

There’s also the small matter of, well, being unfit for office. You know, what with the alleged crimes against humanity and all. His detractors argue that a man facing such grave accusations might not be the best person to write the nation’s laws—especially if some of those laws involve protecting the rights of minors and curbing human trafficking. But Quiboloy’s supporters remain undeterred, insisting that he is being persecuted, just like every other religious leader who ever faced legal consequences for their actions.

The Likelihood of a Heavenly Victory

Can Quiboloy win the election? Well, if the Philippines has proven anything, it’s that jail time is no obstacle to political success. He follows in the hallowed footsteps of other politicians who have campaigned—and won—while incarcerated. Quiboloy’s celestial supporters would argue that with God on his side, not even an earthbound legal system can stop him.

However, the legal challenges he faces might be harder to pray away. The courts will have to decide whether a man accused of such serious crimes can be trusted to govern the nation. But should these pesky legal battles be resolved in his favor—or simply delayed long enough for him to win—Quiboloy could very well take his seat in the Senate, where he would presumably continue to serve both his God and his country.

Divine Recommendations

For Quiboloy: Why stop at the Senate? Aim for the presidency. After all, if being the Appointed Son of God qualifies you for the Senate, why not the highest office in the land? And don’t forget to make sure your prison accommodations include high-speed internet for all those virtual campaign rallies.

For Quiboloy’s political opponents: Consider converting. It’s hard to beat a man whose biggest campaign backer is the Almighty. If you can’t beat him, join him—and start your own religion, while you’re at it.

For Quiboloy’s followers: Keep praying. If history is any indicator, there’s a good chance your spiritual leader will make it to the Senate, where he can continue his holy work—this time with a government salary.

For the Filipino people: Brace yourselves. The Second Coming may very well arrive in the form of Senate Bill No. 666, authored by none other than Apollo Quiboloy. If nothing else, it will be entertaining to watch.

Conclusion

As Quiboloy’s holy Senate bid pushes ahead, it’s clear that Philippine politics remains as miraculous as ever. Will the self-styled Appointed Son of God find his way to the hallowed halls of the Senate? Or will his political ambitions be as fleeting as a faith healer’s guarantee? Whatever happens, one thing is certain: there’s no better place than Camp Crame to run for office—or receive divine judgement. Because in this country, sometimes the line between pastor and politician is as blurry as the legal statutes keeping them in power.